every beginning has an ending.

at 16, I'm still in shirt and jeans. Will you accept me for who I am?
at 16, girls doll up and put on make up. I don't. Will you accept me for who I am?

I'll not be answering my phone from 15th till the end of the holidays. I need a break from everything, get away for awhile to think about stuff. To those who are in pain and suffering this is for you. :D 'Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.'

Its about time I change my medium. I'm changing it to paper and pen and this time its really a secret diary for real. Every beginning has an ending and every hero starts from zero.

Thank you for bearing with my incoherence.

The end.

A series of brief conversation part 2

Let me write something happier for a change.

Xinyi: I think i got grounded. I don't actually know if i got grounded cause she didnt actually say the word grounded. And I have no idea why i got grounded.
-silence-
Xinyi: Did i say the word grounded too many times?
Shalyn: Yes. -.-

Xinyi: -copies win's pm on msn-
Win: Copycat!
Xinyi: I'm not a cat!
Win: CopyXinyi!!!
Xinyi: oh wait, maybe I am a cat. That's why shalyn's dog keep barking at me.

Xinyi: Lucky I dont have a dog. So noisy! More noisy than me!
Win: Ya!!!!!!!!
Xinyi: what's with the exclamation marks?
Win: I am exited!!!
Win: excited!!!
Xinyi: You're excited about a dog?
Win: I am excited that the dog is noisier than you!!!!!

Xinyi: eh, they say when you're young if you look cute, when you get older you'll look ugly. And if you're ugly when you're young, when you're older you look nice.
Shalyn: yarh.
Xinyi: omg, win. when you're young you look very cute right?!
Win: you look even better than me when you're young.

Weng: -asks about names of different baby animals- whats a baby dog?
Xinyi: -thinks for 3 seconds- puppy?
Weng: baby swan?
Xinyi: I don't know? goose?

Xinyi: I feel suffocated. (figuratively)
Win: then how??
Xinyi: err... i dont know! try to ventilate the place lorhh!!

Anyway, to a certain someone. Happy birthday.

My blog will self destruct in a matter of days. My father thinks blogging is shit.

the aftermath

I have lost faith in humanity. I don't know how I feel actually. Maybe elusive is the word. Soon, I will be void of feelings. I won't cry, I won't feel the pain. Pain would mean nothing to me anymore.

I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.

hear my heart cry out, 'can someone help me?' cause I know its gonna be 4 in the morning and my tears are pouring. and no one's gonna be there. It would just be me and 'Boston' on the loop.

I hate myself for being such a loser. I hate myself for losing faith. I hate myself for getting an f. I hate myself for failing English. I hate myself for being a ______ ______. I hate myself for being not good enough. I hate myself for being good at nothing. I hate myself for feeling the pain. I hate myself for feeling this way when I could clearly be happier. Now I hate myself for hating myself.

and the image of myself hiding and crying in the storeroom keeps replaying on my mind.

And this solitude is really seducing.

I need sx-70 blend. I want to try out manipulation on poloroid films.

I would love to step into a lavender garden. I imagine myself taking the first whiff of the smell of lavender and wet grass in spring. Its gentle, soothing smell would then overwhelm my nose. And the sea of light purple blanket is dancing in the wind as if its dancing to the rhythm of a sad song. I would run around in circles in the garden barefooted with someone, someone I love to hang out with. Laughing and rolling in the grass. And taking avant-garde photos with my sx-70. Or step in the backyard laden with 3 inch thick snow in a typical lonely December. Lying in the snow, making snow angels. Hoping and praying they will make life better.

Sometimes I wonder if I really know myself. I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name. And the only thing I feel bad about starting a new life is leaving my best friend behind.

Never ending

Its 11:08pm. I have yet to study for my add math test, yet to evaluate my buddy of which the deadline was today and no one reminded me and that the meeting is tomorrow, yet to think of what to get for my super busy friend of which he wont be replying to my messages from 6th to the 10th and totally refuse to tell me what he is doing and yet to think of something for MBFSWV (lol, try decoding it).

My friend's running away from home. ):

here's the gist of what happened today.
Had school. Heard his melodious voice. Helped to move house. Apparently, had my bag locked in my friend's house. went home without my bag. Had tuition. went out to get my bag. watch television. got an email about getting paid to crew. fell in love with the sx-70 again. now blogging and thinking of other things i have to do.

I'm in love, definitely.