the aftermath

I have lost faith in humanity. I don't know how I feel actually. Maybe elusive is the word. Soon, I will be void of feelings. I won't cry, I won't feel the pain. Pain would mean nothing to me anymore.

I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.

hear my heart cry out, 'can someone help me?' cause I know its gonna be 4 in the morning and my tears are pouring. and no one's gonna be there. It would just be me and 'Boston' on the loop.

I hate myself for being such a loser. I hate myself for losing faith. I hate myself for getting an f. I hate myself for failing English. I hate myself for being a ______ ______. I hate myself for being not good enough. I hate myself for being good at nothing. I hate myself for feeling the pain. I hate myself for feeling this way when I could clearly be happier. Now I hate myself for hating myself.

And this solitude is really seducing.

I need sx-70 blend. I want to try out manipulation on poloroid films.

I would love to step into a lavender garden. I imagine myself taking the first whiff of the smell of lavender and wet grass in spring. Its gentle, soothing smell would then overwhelm my nose. And the sea of light purple blanket is dancing in the wind as if its dancing to the rhythm of a sad song. I would run around in circles in the garden barefooted with someone, someone I love to hang out with. Laughing and rolling in the grass. And taking avant-garde photos with my sx-70. Or step in the backyard laden with 3 inch thick snow in a typical lonely December. Lying in the snow, making snow angels. Hoping and praying they will make life better.

Sometimes I wonder if I really know myself. I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name. And the only thing I feel bad about starting a new life is leaving my best friend behind.